I AM GOLDEN PEACE

 

 

March 27, 2009

Sometimes we hide a hurt so deep that we are unaware of it. Yet we are aware of the symptoms, inability to feel true joy, gritting teeth, unable to sleep, all manner of running away behaviors. Perseverance and removal of the proverbial onion peel layer by layer and the willingness to see all of ourselves, will eventually bring us face to face. And then the great love is released, the appreciation of what a person has survived just to take advantage of this incredible gift called life. Surely freedom is close.

March 26, 2009

A reader sent a lovely message of hope and understanding and included a mantra that helped her through. "GOD HAS LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT HE CREATED ME!" In previous days I've skirted on the fringes of the egotistical view that I or anyone else had the power to truly pervert what God had created. In order to clear this view from myself, I'm changing her mantra to the eternal now. "GOD LOVES ME SO MUCH THAT HE CONTINUES TO CREATE ME AND TEACHES ME TO CO-CREATE. I AM A LOVELY AND UNIQUE WORK IN PROCESS "

March 25, 2009

When I started the website, it was to share what I learned each day regarding inner peace. It could be a question raised about something I saw or read. It could be noticing a thought that took me out of peace. It could be what ever brought me freedom, especially from an illusion. I've been wondering what actually brings me peace. Well, there are so many levels of peace; but in this moment I think I'd say freedom brings me to a newer deeper level each time. I don't know that I have freedom from the latest, yet. So in reaching for the deeper peace, I question if I've lost my peace. Yet, I see building inner peace as a cumulative process. I see that I've forgotten my premise when I started. No matter what I have, I have something and it's worth sharing. Only in giving do we receive more. And so in this moment I reach to the very depths, heights and expanse of my Being and I send out to whoever reads this and beyond ALL the peace I contact.

March 24, 2009

I had found an imitation of peace in holding myself apart. There are better ways.

March 23, 2009

All illusion of separation is on it's way out. The lesson here is just because you've seen a false hood in your beliefs doesn't mean you're done with it. I had seen the warpage in my beliefs 15 or more years ago and thought I moved more and more beyond it, but I didn't have the truth I have now to replace it with. Over the years, I thought I released it, so no wonder it's been so hard for me to see. Apparently I've been waiting until I learned enough to take the next step. Lately I had asked myself why I find it easier to relax in a forest than in a group of people. I had no idea I still had such an attachment to the warped view of physical incarnation as a punishment. We are all putting our opportunities to learn more about ourselves in God to use in different ways. I am willing to fully move out of separation into oneness. I suspect there are more attachments to illusions to be seen. I am willing to see them, replace them and claim my freedom. I wish the same for all, as you are able and willing. May you experience how dearly you are loved thru whatever illusions you are releasing during this Lenten season.

March 20-22, 2009

Snapping out of it. I mentioned on the 13th that I could relate to people who have abandoned Being and that I associated that with apathy. I found myself in the middle of this because I mistakenly identified with it. So I've been trying to demonstrate a path out of it and feel like I've been getting deeper into it. It's not easy because from this state everything is such an effort, even the decision to go to the doctor for what had turned into asthmatic bronchitis complicated by severe acid indigestion. In a nutshell my shoulder blades to sinuses have been very painful for two weeks. The manifestation of these physical symptoms is associated with the pain of this state of being. Long ago I used to have what I called shame attacks. I consider shame to be the most painful emotion. So the way I'm experiencing abandoning Being is as a retreat within oneself to avoid the pain of anger at self and shame. This entails denying emotions, the definition of apathy. I consider myself a very feeling person, so it surprises me that I have caught myself denying certain emotions.

An example of an aha I had this morning relates to that aggravating person in my life. When the agitation this person creates with everyone doesn't touch me (is like water off a duck's back), is when I accept this person as they are choosing to be right now and look beyond those aggravating ways. I recognize that the person has ways that I find aggravating and let it go. However, when I step in the mud puddle, so to speak, is when I deny my feelings of aggravation by reasoning that this person can not help their self-centered approach to life. I essentially say: "I have no right to these feelings because this person has no choice." What a recipe for disaster. Then I play it over and over in my head, inflicting the aggravation on myself, until I just have an overwhelming desire to escape. Not to mention that this contributes to helping that person stay in the illusion that they have no choice.

So what can I offer? The first steps are pretty generic to all paths out of something. Recognizing that you're in it. Deciding you want out. Gathering up the will to make the changes. The next steps on this path have to do with deciding to look at the pain, feel it briefly, in order to get rid of it completely. What causes the anger at self and the shame? In my case, it's an identity thing again and it has to do with Easter. In the churches I attended they focused more on the crucifixion than the resurrection. Part of the ceremony was a recitation of what they believe is every person's guilt. I always hated Easter because I couldn't take the constant pounding that if I weren't such a horrible person and mistaken creation, then Jesus wouldn't have had to suffer so. I don't believe this guilt or the shame and hatred that I internalized were ever Jesus' intention. Also, in my childhood were people who programmed into me as they physically hurt me that God made a mistake in creating me. Although I fought it, it still managed to warp my reasoning. I reasoned that anyone in physical incarnation is a disappointment to God. I even felt that my parents didn't want me born. I misinterpreted all this as indicating that the very fact that I'm in physical form is a judgment that my spirit should not have been created, that I took God's gift of Being and perverted it into something that even Jesus' great sacrifice couldn't forgive. I hope you see the warpage, but if you don't, you may have abandoned Being also. Now I believe that the Earth is a school room for any spirit (not just dissidents) to learn to hone the co-creative talents that God gave us. But obviously from my experiences of the last couple weeks it's time to give up all ghosts that physical form is in itself the worst kind of judgment.

March 19, 2009

There are a lot of people who need to take responsibility for their decisions and take back their power to make decisions. Today I figured out that I have swung to the other extreme. I've taken on too much responsibility. A couple days I mentioned people who are angry with God. Well today I recognized that I've actually turned anger against myself. I had no idea, but I have gotten ill this month by not eating properly and not getting enough rest. I'm quite physically uncomfortable and I've done it to myself.

March 18, 2009

On the 14th I mentioned Don Piper's book called 90 Minutes In Heaven with regard to seeing if he learned some secret about breaking out of apathy. Well it turned out that he didn't go into apathy after he lived after having experienced what he believes is heaven. In the 15 years covered by the book, he has not transmuted the depression he often feels, but he has come to peace with living. His story does carry a quiet power. He was a Baptist minister before he died in a car accident and he remained one after he came back to life enduring excruciating physical pain. At the end of the book he says: "I do have peace. I know I am where God wants me to be. I know I'm doing the work God has given me."

March 17, 2009

I had forgotten that gratitude is the master key to abundance. Thanking God for this opportunity to shine his/her light in any circumstance is helping lift the weight of the world energy of abandoning Being. Focusing on the light lightens the burden. Just a little play on words to let you know I still have some sense of humor. :)

March 16, 2009

There are people in touch with and focused on their anger at God. There are people in touch with and focused on an inner knowledge that there is a "place" or "state of consciousness" where the troubles of this world do not exist. Sometimes this feeling and this knowledge are in one and the same person. If the two are not allowed to come into contact with each other, whether it's two people talking or one person looking at both; how can there be healing for both? The feeling is a painful result of feeling abandoned or betrayed and the other pain is the constant knowledge that "man's inhumanity" to people, creatures and nature is not necessary and not helping. Both views can be logically argued, but why do I sense that the contact of both pains with each other can bring peace to each other? How can people truly Be in the moment of Now if they're constantly focused on wanting to be somewhere else or in different circumstances? WHO we really are is not affected by WHERE we are, only our perception of what we identify with appears to affect us.

March 15, 2009

Part of the definition of apathy is the suppression of emotions? What is so frightening about emotions? Why are we taught that some are acceptable and some aren't? In our emotional body is the power to bring into the physical those creations we think up. When we are not willing to own all our emotions, then do we really accept ownership of our power? Why would we want to go thru life powerless? What frightens us so severely about having and using power?

I recognize that historically in some cultures typically men have denied any show of emotions and generally seek to exert some type of outer power over other people; while women are seen as freely showing emotions and often taking on roles as victims. This would seem to contradict what I said above about equating suppression of emotions with lack of power, but I'm referring to creative power, as well as a sense of inner power. On that note I find it very difficult to picture any type of artist as being cut off from their emotions. Although I have heard people speak of someone who could play the piano technically perfectly, but people didn't care to listen because the pianist neglected to put feeling into the pieces. I still sense that there is something in pondering all this to help people who have abandoned Being.

I also found it interesting that in looking up the definition of apathetic, I found that there is actually a word - apatheism - meaning practical agnostism or practical atheism.

March 14, 2009

So many people use God to give their anger power, even using the word God to give power to their angry expressions of cursing.  Some are unaware that they are actually angry at God, or unwilling to move beyond it.  But people in apathy can’t even get angry, yet.  What can I give these people who think that not feeling is peace?  Perhaps I can help demonstrate a path out of apathy by looking at this idea that it was a stupid decision to incarnate.  Maybe if we look at how marvelous the Earth is.  Is there anywhere else in all God’s creations where so many diverse people can live in close proximity with each other?  People afraid of dying are in close proximity with people afraid of living.  And both are in close proximity with people who show incredible strength and love in dying.  And all are in close proximity with people who show incredible strength and love in living.  A long time ago I read a book called Going Out In Joy by Nina Hermann.  As I recall it was about counseling terminally ill young children who know they are dying, and how much they taught this chaplain about living.  Now, I’m reading a book called 90 Minutes In Heaven by Don Piper.  So far (half way through) it’s about a man who doesn’t want to live after having experienced heaven.  I often skip to the end to see if I wish to finish a book, but this one I’m allowing the author to take me on what ever journey he chooses in his time. We’ll see if he learned some secret about breaking out of apathy.

March 13, 2009

Whenever I take on new world energies, it takes me some time to get my feet back under me again. This time it is recognizing how I relate to people who have abandoned Being. They have forgotten who they are and have lost the will to remember. They have gone into apathy, because they have decided that life is too hard or something similar. They fear the Father for whatever reason. They fear being judged. They fear the world and run away into themselves. I relate because I still haven't convincingly remade the decision where I mistakenly identified with the belief that incarnating on Earth was the worst decision I ever made. I still haven't been able to reconnect with the love that brought me here. I still haven't fully forgiven myself for saying: Yes, Lord, send me. So, I'm back to small steps to break out of the apathy - going to the mailbox, going to work, taking the trash out, answering the phone, fixing the sprinklers. Nurturing father energy within myself means moving in the world, stepping out with competence, taking responsibility, letting go of the passive and becoming more active. Any movement in this direction is helping me get to a place where I can truly identify with the new decision that incarnating on Earth was a loving decision made with real understanding.

March 8 - 12, 2009

No postings.

March 7, 2009

Direction.  I'm learning that getting direction is not about me asking my I Am Presence what to do.  It's not about asking for general direction.  Receiving direction happens when I am open to any direction I receive, I am confident in discerning when the direction is from my I Am Presence, and I am listening.  Being open means consciously focused on loving, trusting and listening.  For me, trusting right now is about having the confidence that everything that happens is teaching me and giving me opportunities to raise all life; and that my I Am Presence is using a higher vision to guide me where I already agreed to Be.

I had a wonderful experience today.  I was placed in a ring with a gelding and the purpose was to have the horse follow me around the ring,  First, I asked for his attention and rewarded his giving me attention with backing off.  When I had his attention and he had agreed to take a step, then I turned my back to him and walked around the circle and he followed me.  The facilitator of the event told me to listen to the horse.  This particular horse respects power.  When I softened to him, he stopped.  When I remained loving, but walked more powerfully and confidently; he followed me beautifully.  It was thrilling!

March 6, 2009

I don't have to be perfect.  When I admit in my mind and heart what I am feeling, I bring my mind, heart and feelings into oneness with each other.  Then I can change the feeling to a different one.  I was feeling sad and I wasn't sure why.  Yet I admitted 'well, yes I do feel sad,' but I choose to enjoy my horse ride.  I got on the horse admitting that I felt sad, but would like to feel joy.  I had acknowledged the sadness and allowed it to pass.  I thoroughly enjoyed my ride.  The horse responded easily to my commands, because I was not confusing her with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

March 5, 2009

Peace!  I am gratefully experiencing peace within, even though very deep inner changes are taking place right now.  The changes are not comfortable, but I know they are improving me.  I know that I'm growing and this firm knowledge is allowing me to remain at peace thru most of the turmoil.  The times I have lost peace were times I took on self-criticism.  Remembering self-love brought back the peace.

March 4, 2009

We each have the power to discern and BE who we truly are in God.  Trust that we have the power to push through any fears and transmute or reframe that misqualified fear energy into a God quality.  Every child of God is unified with all children of God in this talent.

March 2 & 3, 2009

Learning to be my whole being, learning more about becoming and allowing all that I can be and am.  As I find new things and am able to surrender to yes that is part of me, I find direction, freedom and confidence.  I wish everyone what I am experiencing in your time with much love.

March 1, 2009

"If God gives me a thunderstorm, I'm goin to thank him. If he gives me a blind dog, it just means me and Skidboot can have more personal time together. We're not going to begrudge anything. Life is too precious to be upset."

Quoted from David Hartwig's Skidboot video http://claytonmethodist.com/dogs.htm

 

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