June 18, 2009
Maintaining my peace while I'm angry is just as effective as maintaining my peace while someone else is angry.
June 15, 2009
I think the hardest thing for me to remember is that my inner frame of mind determines my outer circumstances, not the other way around. I seem to keep letting my outer circumstances dictate my emotions and my mental outlook. I determine to stop allowing this illusion to rule my life. For me it's difficult to determine what I must endure and what I can affect. I believe I need to shift into recognizing that I can always affect. A series of guided connections and the right statements to the right people has led to treating a low grade infection that appears to be the reason for continued discomfort. Regardless, I choose to be my cheerful, peace filled self and claim my healing.
June 11 & 12, 2009
I like to be helpful to people, but I rarely know what to do. So when ever someone expressed a desire to do something for me, I gave them a specific request. It seemed to help. They knew they had done something I needed and I felt well taken care of. It also gave me an opportunity to get to know my neighbors better.
Today, when I reached out to help someone else it afforded two situations where people gave me advice that may really aid my healing process. The cycles continue.
June 10, 2009
Knowledge brings peace. Not being able to get comfortable long enough to get sufficient sleep has been the biggest impediment to healing. I've been quite creative in arranging pillows on recliners, sofas and beds. Only last night did I finally out of desperation ask my I Am Presence what she would suggest. I had asked for help sleeping before and received it and the requests to go to the schools of light while we are sleeping are always honored. But this time I asked specifically for help solving the problem of a hip pain that would wake me out of any sound sleep and make me get up to relieve the pressure. Immediately a great idea came to mind. My first attempt to manifest it in the middle of the night did give me four solid hours of sleep. Tonight I'll try a better executed model of the solution and hope for two sets of four hour sleeps. It just took looking at what was keeping me from getting the sleep I needed and asking specifically for help solving that particular problem. How often do we keep asking for help, but not get specific enough about the actual problem to be able to manifest the solution?
June 9, 2009
Cultivate the habit of observing yourself for the specific purpose of exposing your resistance to change. (paraphrased from Master Keys to Personal Christhood by Kim Michaels)
In honor and gratitude to delightful and talented surgeons, doctors, nurses and associates who put forth their efforts in healing and service.
[Well I didn't anticipate weeks before posting again. The surgery went well and recovery is on schedule, just slower than I expected. So much for expectations.]
May 19, 2009
What a great day the 18th was. I was feeling the best in two and a half months, just in time for a medical procedure on the 19th. I had wonderful e-mails and phone calls with friends and family. I love lightning and rain and got to drive thru the canyon on a lovely rainy day to visit a friend and her horses. And I got to spend a very nice time with my mom. Knowing that there are so many people saying wonderful prayers for me certainly brings peace. I'm certain the surgeon's hands will be guided.
[It will probably be a few days before another posting.]
May 18, 2009
We are not alone in our experiences. I wonder what the statistics are that for every experience a person has, there are (a thousand? a million?) other people having the same experience. Yet, does each person respond a bit differently?
May 17, 2009
This morning I received the inspiration to try meeting old intense emotions and false beliefs with the flow of God's love. I had been operating under the idea that I had to finish processing. That the processing would remove the blocks. Untrue, the blockages are as much a lie and as the false beliefs. There were some beliefs to look at beyond some of the emotions I've had recent victories with. Yes, accept that I had these emotions, that I believed these lies; but meet it head on with the love that consumes all pain, all lies. It's a very powerful experience. I have had a relatively good day. There is a physical condition causing me pain, but it was held at bay for the most part today. My brother kept me laughing. Rachel Alexandra won the Preakness Horse Race. The first filly to win that race since 1924. All in all, a lovely day.
May 16, 2009
No posting.
May 15, 2009
Regardless of whether we are happy or sad, in pain or dancing, rich or poor. Regardless of what country we were born in or what circumstances. Regardless of where we live or what we do. Regardless of what we are ashamed of. Regardless of what we are proud of. We are each and every one deeply loved. God loves each one and all of us. Certainly there is peace in allowing that.
May 14, 2009
No posting.
May 13, 2009
This is the last third of a poem written to a doctor whose patient had died. It may sound harsh taken out of context. It seemed a bit harsh in context. But never the less it holds a lovely truth for all of us, one that perhaps we can apply to life. It’s from the book Go Out In Joy! by Nina Hermann. (I reread this book that I mentioned a couple months ago.)
The Gift of the Dying Child
And so, doctor, you missed the gift of the dying child.
For if you will but share time ---
If you will but enjoy the dying child,
She will teach you something more.
She will teach you to measure her life, and yours,
Not only by their accomplishments,
But by their gifts ---
Both those given and those received.
For the dying child will show you, if you but let her,
That the greatest gift
Is not rewarded by acclaim,
Does not hear the words “thank you,”
Cannot see the smile of gratitude.
For the greatest gift is both given and received
WHEN YOU TRY TO LOVE WITHOUT CONDITION.
When you can do no more,
When you must set the dying child free --- to die,
Then it is hardest to love,
For it is a love without condition.
There is no reward to grasp.
But if it is here that you think you are farthest from God,
Then it is here that you are most mistaken.
For in learning to share this moment of time
With the dying child,
You will learn to share in God’s greatest gift to man:
His unconditional love for us
Despite his powerlessness
In the face of our freedom to reject him.
If you can love the dying child, doctor,
Despite your powerlessness
In the face of her freedom to die ---
Then you can not help but touch God.
And your tears will fall on light,
And you will have learned
To share gifts with the dying child
Beyond the diagnosis.
May 12, 2009
We are incredible spiritual beings. What a magnificent creator we have. Look at something as basic as water, volumes have been written on how amazing it is. Look at nature and the interplay of weather. Look at our amazing physical bodies that we know so little about. How much less do we know about ourselves as co-creators with God. This morning I awoke with an appreciation for how each of us can reach for, ask for an appropriate solution for us; and awake with the idea to try this or at any time suddenly have the thought to try whatever. We each blaze a path in something, our individual expression of God. God does indeed bless.
A new thought form that is true to my new sense of identity. In all these situations where hate and rage are running amuck. Rather than feeling hurt and overwhelmed and angry, feeling that I have to stop it or fix it or have Mother Mary or Jesus or Archangel Michael or anyone else change it. I call on them all and Gautama Buddha and Portia and Saint Germain and Archangel Raphael to help me blaze a path for freedom. I choose to expand peace. In actively directing peace I can not force anyone to accept it, but I can put it out there as a choice. I can make sure that those who see hate and rage being expressed can also see an example of peace. It’s a bit like that scene towards the beginning of the movie depicting the life of Gandhi, where he is burning the work passes and the soldier is insisting that he can't, even by inflicting physical pain, and Gandhi quite calmly and determinedly refuses to stop. I choose to patiently refuse to engage. Where, as a child, I became so angry and helpless, I didn’t know what to do; now I see myself as sitting quite still as a little Buddha and blazing forth peace and providing the choice to anyone who will witness. This is Being True for me. And in this moment I claim freedom and I claim victory. I set aside the old feelings of anger and shame and choose to focus on connecting with I AM, or is it now the Presence of I Will Be Who I Will Be.
May 11, 2009
Yesterday's exercise did help me release some of the feelings. Some of the ways I use to release feelings are: mentally placing the feelings in a violet fire, or mentally flushing what I'm thru with down a toilet that pipes into violet flame. I always ask that the energy be transmuted into some positive energy I wish to reclaim. Sometimes I ask that the transmuted energy be used to help others overcome similar conditions. Another way is replaying some bit of the incident (the moment where the emotion was frozen or walled off) in my mind with the reactions I choose. If I'm also dislodging some lies, this last seems to work. In this case I found I had to accept the emotions and reach a place of release first. That's what took months. When I replayed this incident last night, I used determination and strength of my own boundaries in place of the anger. A person had tried to make me responsible for their horrible action. In my replay I said out loud: "That was a waste. You've done a horrible thing and can't place any blame on me." Well, it's lost in the translation. I said what I needed to in order to dislodge the lie and I said it with all the intensity of the pent up emotions. And I felt a release.
Tomorrow I'll be having a medical procedure with anesthesia. There is part of a poem I would like to post, but I'm not sure when I'll get to.
May you have very peace filled days and much joy and love.
May 10, 2009
Facing inner demons – I’ll do what I can to put this in words.
As so many of us have – in the past I witnessed something and my reaction from my consciousness at the time was anger and outrage. In this case it was not physically safe to express anger and this is also a common reason for stuffing an emotion. But there are as many reasons as there are people who have stuffed an emotion far away from the light. Yet, it can not be hidden forever. It will leak or it will surface. It will demand to be expressed, for we can not be free of it until it reaches the light. And so here I am an adult that has walled off portions with emotions of fear, anger and outrage (and some others). Within those same walls have been walled off a measure of courage, energy, self-love, strength of will (and some others). Those who speak in terms of God flames might see my god flame as Infinite Peace thru Divine Direction, so how can fear, anger and outrage reside within this sphere of self. Yet a value judgment can not be placed on fleeting emotions that were never meant to be calcified or entrenched. Yet a struggle within is not peaceful. Yet denying these emotions will simply bury them, not transcend them. Yet simple expression of the anger does not seem to fit the bill either. Yet I will endure the dilemma no more. There is a higher way. I CAN and DO reach for that higher way. Those portions of me that were walled off with these emotions are more than all the emotions, regardless of what value (or lack of value) I would be tempted to place on these emotions. That portion of my being that would reclaim all fragments and BE whole is more than that which chooses not to express anger. It is now physically safe to express any anger and yet I shy away from it. Oh, I’ve expressed some of it, but the core – I sit and try to get in touch with it and my mind wonders and I hop up to do something else. And I try again and maybe get 15 minutes. And so it stretches into month after month. Oh, yes there has been progress, but I would be done with this episode in strife. And so what is the next step? What can I show others on this path that might be helpful? Perhaps we must each find our own way. Perhaps it is in the reaching for the higher that we see what we need.
Yet I will share what is here. In my current state of consciousness I see a facet of peace as acceptance and a facet of direction as the path to this acceptance. And so I accept that not only did I respond to these situations with anger and outrage in the past, but even in the moment I can see myself responding to similar situations with anger and outrage and a desire to protect and a shame in helplessness. Oh I can see myself in a myriad of possible responses; calling for help; running away; shutting down and feeling overcome with helplessness; standing firm and stating: “Enough. Stop this.” And so what I know to do in this moment is to express who I AM beyond what I feel. Can I surrender the expectation? Well I still can’t pinpoint what the expectation behind the belief behind the feelings is. So moving on. Play acting what response I think would have been the highest response doesn’t work. I’ll try the seven rays of power, wisdom, love, purity, healing, service and transmutation. I forgive myself for being powerless to stop what I witnessed. I reclaim my power to let go (of the responsibility to change it?) I surrender the fear of not knowing what to do. I reclaim trust in my intuitions and spur of the moment responses. I surrender the block to loving, the belief in pain. I reclaim my power to love. I surrender the perfectionist view of purity. I reclaim my innocence. I surrender the need to heal as “fixing” anything. I reclaim my ability to be whole. I surrender to my highest potential in the moment. I reclaim my ability to be more than the feelings.
I accept ALL my feelings and allow them to be fluid
May 9, 2009
Friends are so important. Today a friend revealed understanding of me that I hadn't realized. It was as if she was just waiting for the opportunity for me to be able to hear some of her thoughts, some of her feelings regarding what she has seen in my life and in me. And almost a week ago someone unexpectedly gave me unbelievable support. It's amazing how generous many people are eager to be.
May 8, 2009
No posting.
May 7, 2009
You know those mirrors in the fun house that make you look thin or fat or wavy. I just looked in a mirror without all that and saw that I’m not thin or fat or wavy. Wow! This is the best description of the moment of how it felt to kick out the lie behind the belief behind the emotion. It feels like looking in a freshly shined flat plane mirror and seeing a true reflection.
At the same time, I missed the opportunity to release some emotions by trying to "fix" them with logic. Now I have to wait for them to surface again and let them simply be expressed as is. So I'm learning that, although linked, feelings and beliefs are very different in what works for processing. I guess that's a duh.
May 6, 2009
Some people had tried to take my belief in God. I didn’t let them, but suddenly I realize I did let them keep me from feeling the constant flow of God’s love. Oh, I had my moments and intellectually I know I’m loved, but I suddenly realized that subconsciously I discounted it. It’s like when an adult lies to a dying child and says everything will be alright. I told myself I was loved because I couldn’t face not being loved, but very deep down I couldn’t accept it. I hid in a locked house “knowing” it could never “actually” be true. There was that illusive undefined shame.
The Master approached the child, who was turned away with her hands over her eyes, and asked what she was doing. I’m hiding. You’re not hiding very well, I can still see you. She turned around and dropped her hands and gazed directly into the most loving eyes. No pain or shame could remain. She was never not loved! There was a whole world in those eyes and she melted into them.
I send forth all the love of my Being. May it return having blessed and been blessed with your touch.
May 5, 2009
What helped me come out of shock or what followed the shock was acceptance. As I acknowledged that I had had these feelings, that I had walled them off, because I didn’t know what to do with them, and that I now had the tools to process them; I began to awaken from the shock and gain some strength of will back. I still keep finding myriad excuses to avoid the work. But I am making progress safely allowing the expression of these old feelings so they can be released and I can reclaim the energy spent suppressing them. I also allow some memories to resolve the belief behind the feelings.
May 4, 2009
Hello again, A friend keeps telling me that it would be helpful to others to share my journey thru these feelings. My biggest concern about posting is that the journey is a painful one and I haven’t wished to broadcast the pain. Yet, this friend insists that resolving emotions is a large part of creating peace within and documenting the journey may help people. So I will try, even if it’s not each day.
This particular journey began in March, when some deeply buried emotions associated with some traumatic events during childhood began surfacing and I started recognizing some of my behaviors as being affected by them. It’s amazing what you begin to see when you look. Somehow trying to clarify my own spiritual identity triggered a shame attack. I didn’t know it at the time, because it was so intense I went into shock. Well that’s how I describe the month of March, a state of shock. It was a couple weeks before I recognized that I was in the throws of what I call a shame attack. I consider shame to be the most painful of emotions. During March I even found it difficult to journal or e-mail. I told people that I didn’t have words. Whenever I tried to write, the words did not convey my thoughts. I also started being physically ill the first of March. There were quite a variety that all turned out to be associated with the gall bladder, which I’m having removed May 19th. One healing book said that, in addition to diet, gall stones are an indication of suppressed emotions that have hardened, such as anger. Along with the shame was a deep depression, which many psychologists say is an indication of unexpressed or unresolved anger. As I look back I see that the emotions that have surfaced for me are shame, depression, grieving, anger, fear and survivor’s guilt. This is a great deal to process, especially since I keep shutting down from the intensity. What I’m learning is to take it in much smaller chunks.
April 3 thru May 3, 2009
No postings
April 2, 2009
Like the ebb and flow of the tide may the peace of Jesus Christ and the peace of Gautama Buddha wash over you.
April 1, 2009
This was an interesting concept. My face was turned toward heaven and I was waiting for God to wipe away the blockage from my sight. I heard a chuckle and "Child, open your eyes. There is nothing blocking your sight, except your own eyelids." How long have I waited for God to do what he gave me the ability to do.