I AM GOLDEN PEACE

 

 

December 16, 2009

I had an idea for decorating my door at work. The words Reach For Peace and a bunch of pictures of people shaking hands. I might even include some captions like: seeking to understand another's perspective, looking for the middle ground, releasing cross purposes, letting go of tension, and giving the benefit of a doubt. There are as many ways to reach for peace as there are hands to clasp.

November 7, 2009

A little way over from the top of the chair lift was a rock outcropping with huge flat boulders.  I lay down on one and didn't use a tenth of it.  It was incredible laying there near the top of the mountain, being myself, looking at the clouds thru the tree tops.  As I began down the slope, I checked the time only to find my watch gone.  Now there needs to be a bit of explanation.  I splurged a couple years ago to buy a gold watch band, because someone said wearing gold helps draw abundance into your life.  I thought why not. So this watch band was a symbol of abundance for me.  With the events of 2009 I've been very fragile.  I wondered recently if I didn't get angry because I blamed myself.  I ate the cheese that caused the gallbladder attacks.  I was ignorant regarding the maintenance of my car and what I paid for and what services I actually received, that resulted in needing to replace the engine.  I ran over the railroad tie that caused the body damage to the car that could have paid for the engine and drive train in the other one.  How did all this relate to the last hurdle of letting go of the childhood abuse?  I have journals from 1988 that show I was pealing the onion of releasing myself of blame and guilt then.  How could I still have remnants?  Yet the recurring theme of events in 2009 seems to be ???  Painful, expensive repairs?  I can't blame anyone else and yet I'm not fully to blame.  There are the things I'm responsible for, but there are also some very odd circumstances.  Am I stepping away from any consciousness related to blame at all?  So back to the watch lost on the beautiful day of achieving ascending the mountain.  The first reaction to finding my watch missing was denial, then pleading, then a desire to sit down and cry.  All of these flashed by in minutes.  I was also concerned about it getting dark before I got down the mountain.  Then I asked myself:  How do I want to define myself in this moment?  I decided, symbol or not, I have an incredible amount of abundance and so very much to be grateful for.  I decided to shine brighter, center, and radiate peace to all the lovely elementals around me.  I asked my I Am Presence in a much calmer tone to return my watch, if possible, to help my eyes see it.  But I also practically screamed:  I didn't do anything wrong!!!  Apparently that's what I needed.  Something inside me changed.  I don't know what exactly, but there is a difference.  I did find the watch and descend the mountain with plenty of light still in the sky.

November 7, 2009

Where the elk were.  Why did man create chair lifts for ski areas?  And why do most people wait for enough snow to ski down?  Because it's a hefty hike up for a human.  Of course the herd of elk, whose tracks I saw, didn't have any problems and probably weren't as tired.  When I ever so gladly reached the top of the chairlift, what did I find?  Lift #4 that's takes you even higher.  No matter.  I had reached my goal.

November 6, 2009

In New Mexico we have an inexpensive ski and fly fishing resort called Sipapu.  The name means Land of Paradise.  Certainly a lovely place to spend a quiet retreat of a birthday in the off season.  A cabin with tall pines all around and no cell phone coverage.  A happy river within a thousand feet that is so clear you can see the trout.  My soul basks in it.  There is actually a quiet rapture.  I truly feel like a sun shining brightly.  I guess I'm in my element. :)

November 3, 2009

Someone had suggested that feelings of guilt might contribute to the troubles I have with the person mentioned on October 12th. There must be some thing to this, because it continues to prove illusive to words. I have been doing some visualizations for clearing emotions. One of these is visualizing a meadow with a lot of milkweed growing in it. I picture a violet flame moving across the meadow and burning away the milkweed and anything that looks similar. The flame leaves all the grasses and wildflowers untouched as it rolls past them and targets the milkweed. I picked the milkweed because I happen to be allergic to it. I visualize this meadow about the diameter of my torso at belly height. Another friend made the statement that this person is highly toxic to me. I never thought of it that way. It makes sense that this person may exude guilt. I tease her sometimes about thinking she is responsible for every little thing that happens that she considers bad. It's likely she also projects this on to others. Some similarity I'm about to see or some misconception in my love for her makes me susceptible. So I've been playing with another visualization. Before I see her or just talk on the phone with her, I picture myself with a hazardous material suit on, complete with hood. When I feel myself getting triggered, I remember what Darth Vader sounded like when he would breath and it makes me laugh inwardly. Sometimes I even quietly make the sound to myself, like a pressure relief valve. It makes me chuckle just to think about it. It's helping me while I'm processing this to feel more at ease with her.

October 24, 2009

I've been imbalanced about taking better care of others than of myself. I made a list of about 20 things I need to do for myself. It actually felt empowering to get eight of them accomplished.

October 23, 2009

Today I put in some time at the Roadrunner Foodbank, a place that provides food for the homeless, poor and elderly. They moved into a new building this year and I was unbelievably impressed by their organization and use of space. I could eliminate the stress of misplacing important papers, if I would apply some of the organizational principles I saw in action at Roadrunner.

October 21, 2009

Love - Hate. Peace - Rage. Some would say two sides of the same coins. Some would say duality. I reach for the love that is beyond opposing hate. I reach for the peace that is beyond opposing rage. A wise reader said "Turning the other cheek means not getting engaged in a dualistic battle. But stating the Truth doesn't mean engaging in a dualistic battle." I thought I understood when I read it, but now I wonder. I always thought of turning the other cheek as responding to hate, rage and fear with deeply rooted love, peace and courage. Yet, there is the wisdom of not responding, of centering in who you truly are and shining. Another friend always uses the example of the Buddhist monk in a Vietnam war picture sitting and praying between two soldiers who are shooting at each other over the head of the monk. I think this is what the reader mentioned above was saying about not engaging. Then there is the cross and the figure 8 flow. In this moment I choose the point in the center of the cross, the nexus of the figure 8. I always thought of it as the place of peace, place from which to hold the balance, yet is it? Is it the place of great silence that people speak of, the dwelling place of Gautama Buddha? Place is not quite the right word - consciousness? One way I've have thought of the figure 8 flow is bringing light from above to fill the darkness below, pulling higher frequency energies in to raise lower energies. Yet there is also a horizontal flow and I wonder sometimes if this can be helping to bring extremes to the middle so that they can better experience the vertical flow. What does the cross mean? I have so much to learn.

October 18, 2009

Before washing my soul in the beauty of the mountain hike I had to firmly keep from beating myself up. My 91 year old mother had given me her car to help with my car having had so much trouble (since she doesn’t drive anymore). I had planned to wash it this weekend and put it up for sale on Monday. Its blue book value would have paid for the repairs to my car. However, I scraped the side of it with a one foot high railroad tie. Oh my gosh, it takes a firm hand to remain at peace when something so incredibly stupid happens. I had to firmly set aside the self-recrimination. I did ask what it is I have to learn to stop this run of damage. I’m not sure what I’m reaping or what I’ve taken on, but I’m sure crying uncle. I have trust issues with God. I haven’t resolved all the emotions with having been abandoned to severe childhood abuse. I can do all the rationalization of a higher purpose and reason for having endured such horrors, but the emotions hold me back from giving my life fully to God. I have not been able to dislodge the false belief that trusting God means hardship and agony. Well, in spite of the emotions, I hereby give my life in partnership with my I AM Presence. If there is going to be hardship anyway, it might as well be put to some good purpose. It doesn’t look like I mentioned the movie, Faith Like Potatoes, when I watched it months ago. http://www.joymag.co.za/mag/3-2006/3-2006-angus.php It’s quite a story.

October 17, 2009

It turned into an incredibly beautiful day. I hiked up a mountain in the San Pedro range and would post a picture if I had taken my camera. I was wondering about God direction and being guided. I ignored the prompting to take my camera so I’ll have to paint the picture with words. It was a great lesson, though. I didn’t take my camera because I didn’t think there would be anything worthy of a picture. And here I was ever so gently guided to an incredible sight. I found myself on the edge of an arroyo fairly high up on this mountain side. The only sounds were the calls of a variety of birds and an occasional car far down on the road. It was a pretty healthy hike to get there. I sat in the shade of a juniper tree for a half hour and looked out on Russian sage full of white wooly blossoms with a couple tall cactus mixed in. The arroyo was full of golden chamisa in its glory. The back drop to this was emerald green pin yon and juniper trees. And in the distance the whole east side of the Sandia Mountain could be seen covered in its lovely green velvet forest. And above this was a clear deep blue sky. I decided that no matter where I’m guided there will be some gift.

October 16, 2009

I read a book called Truth Is A Bright Star, by Joan Price. It’s a fictional account of an actual event where in 1832 fourteen Hopi children were kidnapped and sold as slaves. The story illustrates how one of these children maintained his personal integrity and helped a fur trapper see a different life. The child lives his ingrained respect for all life and in so doing, quietly helps open the eyes of the trapper to new possibilities. The child also learns Spanish and English before he’s returned to his family. It’s a beautifully written story that shows how our lives affect other lives and how just being our true self and living from our heart speaks so eloquently. I mention it because it painted a picture for me of how important it is for me to stay in my heart, come from my heart and be myself thru the scenarios that are playing out in my life right now.

October 15, 2009

Do stressors oppose inner peace? They certainly don’t have to. It’s best to not let things be struggles or in opposition to each other. I have four stress inducing scenarios playing out right now. Rather than allow the stress to oppose the peace, I move with peace thru the stress. One situation is getting my car fixed and paying for it. Another is figuring out the best way to speak up about the way the dealership treated me, the customer. There is still the potential for a law suit. I’ve never had any associations with court other than being called for jury duty, but I’ve never even been selected to serve on a jury. Also, my 91 year old mother is showing signs of needing more care. The work of shopping for a decent nursing home that she can afford is daunting. Plus, she believes it’s a death sentence and I really can not fault her belief based on what I’ve seen so far. Then too, at work people are having to decide between early retirement and loosing their current health benefits. We can either retire early and maintain our health insurance at a relatively nominal cost or continue working and have our post retirement cost of health insurance increase drastically. In one scenario for me, when I reach age 62, it could be the difference between a locked in $2000 annual cost for better health insurance coverage and a highly volatile $16000 annual cost for less coverage. Of course, a lot of other things can change in that time frame. If I do take early retirement, then I have all sorts of potential for moving for the first time in my life and other new experiences. So I’m taking it one step at a time, taking deep breaths, focusing on centering in my heart, clearing up my trust issues with God, getting plenty of sleep and good food, and maintaining my peace in spite of the anxiety that would like to creep in. Another thing I’m trying to put in the fore front is helping others. There is some subset of 5000 people having to make difficult decisions at work regarding retirement and health care. I’ve suggested allowing me to give a lunch time exercise on inner peace, having a group of us get together and discuss what we’ve learned about available options, and having me matrix over to help the one person (yes, just one) whose job it is to counsel those considering retiring.

October 13, 2009

Beloved Holy Christ Selves of all those who are willing, fill our Beings with your presence. Beloved I AM Presence of each one fill our Beings with your presence. Help us to express and share our God given talents abundantly and purely this day. Thank you for the incredible all encompassing love, that love where no amount of memory of any amount of horror can exist, that love that floods every cell of our physical bodies and helps us shine your light in this world. Dear Father/Mother God thank you for all the evidence of your activity in this world, the blush of color in the clouds this morning, the breeze rustling the leaves of the trees. My gratitude goes out to all the people who over the centuries have made choices that allow me to awaken in a peace filled neighborhood. May this peace spread to every household and each person willing to accept it. Thank you for the elementals of fire that heated the water for my shower and the elementals of water that removed the aches from my muscles. Thank you for my mother feeling better and my car about to be fixed and the money to pay for it. Thank you for guiding me in powerfully expressing the light of my Being that dissipates any stressors through out the day. May we all experience a light filled lovely day strong in what ever talents and gifts we have.

October 12, 2009

It's amazing how small an event can trigger a reaction to a core belief when you're working on transcending that belief. There is this person that has been in my life all my life. No matter what I give, she wants more. It's impossible to satisfy her. This is part of the source of the false belief that I only have a finite amount of energy and must always guard it. It amazes me how I live my life based on this false belief. I would so like to step beyond it, yet when ever I'm around this person I find myself constantly monitoring and guarding my boundaries, alert to any indication of manipulative and controlling behavior. It's absolutely draining. It's far more exhaustive to be on constant guard, yet I continue to believe that if I didn't have boundaries this person would suck me dry and spit me out without even noticing. This is not inner peace and I really need to transcend it and step beyond so that I can just peacefully and strongly be myself even around this person.

October 11, 2009

Beloved Jesus, I would like to understand more of your intended meaning when you said to turn the other cheek. I'm in the position to sue a car dealership for bending my drive train when they installed a used engine in my car. I know sometimes it is appropriate to stand up and say no. The way it has been explained to me the damage occurred thru the willful neglect of not taking the time to disassemble enough of the surrounding parts to be able to position the engine properly. There are already three people involved in not dealing with me honorably regarding this situation and I doubt I'm an isolated case. I feel more a disappointment than anger. I have the added hardship of paying for a used drive train to be installed. I've never been involved with the court system and I haven't been able to figure out what I'm suppose to be learning from this whole situation. There is no revenge in my heart, but I would like to be fairly compensated for a botched job. So dear Jesus, I would like your input on the best manner for me to express Christed peace in this situation. Also, please explain to me what I'm suppose to learn from the total incident, including why my car needed the engine in the first place. Thank you! I also certainly express my gratitude for all the many blessings that have occurred associated with the total incident.

October 10, 2009

I was able to sleep late this morning and had this dream.   There was a mother in a laundry next to a hotel.  Both businesses were open to the street and the desk clerk sat near enough to hear the mother with her four daughters.  The mother searched the children for weapons so they could’t take any to school.  She found a knife on Guadeloupe, who confessed that Teresita had threatened to kill her today for having gotten a better score on the math test yesterday.  The mother asked why she hadn’t told her this last night when she might have had a chance to help.  The desk clerk came over and said he had laughed about the mother searching her children.  He held his fingers about a quarter inch apart and said now he felt that big.  He asked if he could take Guadalupe to school and try to redeem himself.  The mother asked what he planned to do.  He said he didn’t know, but he did know that the mother’s job didn’t allow her the flexibility to go.  He had asked someone to cover for him and could call this his lunch break.  He said another thing he knew was that a child should not have to deal with this type of problem.  He pleaded to be allowed to redeem himself for having laughed at the mother’s concerns.

Guadalupe took his hand as they approached Teresita near the school grounds.
Desk clerk:  Good morning Teresita.   How long did you study for the math test?
Teresita:  Every night.
Desk clerk:  That’s excellent!   How long each night?
Teresita:  It varied.
Desk clerk:  Well it was a math test and I know the class studied averaging.  Give me a rough average time.
Teresita:  15 – 20 minutes.
Desk clerk:  That is very good, considering you had other classes to study for, as well.  Is there a class giving you trouble?
Teresita:  Yes, history.
Desk clerk:  So, of course, you needed to devote more time to that class than to math.

He had heard Guadalupe being grilled by her mother on math problems for an hour each morning for the past week.
Desk clerk:  Did it help, Guadalupe, to have your mother work with you for an hour each morning last week?
Guadalupe:  Oh, yes, I had misunderstood something and would have gotten five problems wrong, if mother hadn’t explained.
Desk clerk:  How long did you spend studying before last week?
Guadalupe:  15-20 minutes each night.
Desk clerk:  Teresita, would a week of grilling prior to the exam help you next time?  Would your mother or father be able or willing to put in that time?
Teresita:  Probably willing, but I don’t think they could.  My brother might.
Desk clerk:  Excellent!  Wouldn’t it be better for both of you to try to do your best?  Guadalupe, are you any good at history?

Teresita jumped in and said Guadalupe was very good.  Guadalupe admitted she didn’t have any trouble with history.  She had a horrendous time with chemistry and Teresita seemed to love that class.  Would the two of them be willing to help each other with history and chemistry?  Yes.  And they were both smiling.

Desk clerk:  Teresita, why were you so upset that someone did better than you that you were willing to threaten to take her life?  That is very serious.
Teresita:  I would lose my mother’s love if someone was better than me at anything.
Desk clerk:  Does your mother regularly compare you to other people?
Teresita:  Yes.  Now I see that isn’t right.
Desk clerk:  Teresita would it frighten you if I came over tonight and talked with your mother?
Guadalupe:  I’ve heard him with some very difficult people.  He’s very diplomatic.
Teresita:  It would be OK.

Desk clerk:   Now I want the two of you to do something for me.  Do you tell the truth Teresita?
Teresita:   Sometimes.
Desk clerk:  That makes it difficult.  If you tell me you are telling me the truth, how do I know if you are?
Teresita:  I will tell the truth right now.
Desk clerk:  Do you tell the truth Guadalupe?
Guadalupe:  Sometimes, but I will also tell the truth right now.
Desk clerk:  Teresita, I want you to say you are sorry to Guadalupe?  Can you do that with sincerity?
Teresita:  Well Guadalupe, it was wrong for me to threaten your life yesterday.  I don’t wish to play my mother’s game of comparing people all the time any more.  I don’t like that.  But, I’m not sorry that this man has come and talked with us this morning.
Desk clerk:  Guadalupe, did you sleep well last night?
Guadalupe:  No, not very well at all.
Desk clerk:   I want you to tell Teresita that you forgive her.  Can you do that?
Guadalupe:  I believed that you really would kill me, Teresita. 
Teresita:  That’s not true.  I don’t carry a knife to school.  I was just mad yesterday.  It wasn’t right for me to threaten you. 
Guadalupe:  Well, I might have to forgive you again when I’m falling asleep this afternoon.  I do forgive you now, though.
Desk clerk:  I want the two of you to shake hands.  Done and done.  See you tonight Teresita.  I must get back to work now.  You two enjoy your day

 

 

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